Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Words... More or Less

Today is a day of words.

Some too easily spoken.
Others not breathed enough.
A few that may never be said.
Many that are said too much.

The words said today are full of hurt; swollen with resentment and anger. Words festering with the intent of masking what really is and hiding it under a ridiculously ugly incognito; words that are chock full of unhappiness. Verbiage from the rawness of acid in the soul that just won’t cease it’s bubbling and corroding. Acid-words rooted in the core of one's being; by the calcification that is caused by nursing them. Feeding them. Fertilizing them. Marinating on them. Brewing them until they explode like the hot lava that they are, melting all who stand in the path of their liquid release.

Steel-wool words bore a crater into whom they are directed. A dark cavernous place perfect for the incubation of your own piercing words. It’s a vicious process. One that I cannot participate in, one that I won’t participate in. A voracious parasite attachment; eating through and consuming everything around it; eventually sucking and draining the very life from which it feeds.

My humanity is hurt. My flesh is grieving. Angry. Done. Repulsed. Reminded. But the supernatural that is within me is comforting and soothing, pacifying and shushing the cries within my heart. So, I’m just going to sway with it, rock back and forth to the lullaby of my Savior who in times like this neutralizes the acid, sweetens the raw bite, and reminds me of the truth and what He says about me instead. Even so, in the waking destruction of the molten mess, I know that I am loved. I am forgiven and only in that can I extend it to the thrower of the stones who is apparently hurting as bad as I am now. Words are like stones, once they are thrown they cannot be taken back. Stones are like words in that they can be thrown back.

But I won’t do it.
I just won’t.
As much as it hurts, I just can not.
As strong as the pull is, and as magnetic as the tugging of the undercurrent is;
I just can’t.

Reconciling the way things are, in my heart, is a tough thing, but being reconciled to others is even harder.
I can’t make something that isn’t.
I can’t will it to be.
I don’t have the capacity to make it so anymore.

So, I will continue to be rocked and sway to the lullaby…


  1. I am sorry mom! And I love you VERY MUCH.
    -Angel <3

  2. Love that. Wow. You are amazing with words Jenn. I wish I could sum up days like that as completely as you did.

  3. Mom you are AWESOME! Keep up the fantastic work! I love you! -Angel <3