Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Words... More or Less

Today is a day of words.

Some too easily spoken.
Others not breathed enough.
A few that may never be said.
Many that are said too much.

The words said today are full of hurt; swollen with resentment and anger. Words festering with the intent of masking what really is and hiding it under a ridiculously ugly incognito; words that are chock full of unhappiness. Verbiage from the rawness of acid in the soul that just won’t cease it’s bubbling and corroding. Acid-words rooted in the core of one's being; by the calcification that is caused by nursing them. Feeding them. Fertilizing them. Marinating on them. Brewing them until they explode like the hot lava that they are, melting all who stand in the path of their liquid release.

Steel-wool words bore a crater into whom they are directed. A dark cavernous place perfect for the incubation of your own piercing words. It’s a vicious process. One that I cannot participate in, one that I won’t participate in. A voracious parasite attachment; eating through and consuming everything around it; eventually sucking and draining the very life from which it feeds.

My humanity is hurt. My flesh is grieving. Angry. Done. Repulsed. Reminded. But the supernatural that is within me is comforting and soothing, pacifying and shushing the cries within my heart. So, I’m just going to sway with it, rock back and forth to the lullaby of my Savior who in times like this neutralizes the acid, sweetens the raw bite, and reminds me of the truth and what He says about me instead. Even so, in the waking destruction of the molten mess, I know that I am loved. I am forgiven and only in that can I extend it to the thrower of the stones who is apparently hurting as bad as I am now. Words are like stones, once they are thrown they cannot be taken back. Stones are like words in that they can be thrown back.

But I won’t do it.
I just won’t.
As much as it hurts, I just can not.
As strong as the pull is, and as magnetic as the tugging of the undercurrent is;
I just can’t.

Reconciling the way things are, in my heart, is a tough thing, but being reconciled to others is even harder.
I can’t make something that isn’t.
I can’t will it to be.
I don’t have the capacity to make it so anymore.

So, I will continue to be rocked and sway to the lullaby…

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

4 Months Squished Into 1 Post....

So 4 months has passed since I last blogged.
The looming thought of having to put 4 months into words has been very daunting.
Terrifying even. Where do I begin? How do I possibly catch up? Or can I?

So,  I will keep it simple and that will have to do.
July. Nashville, TN and Michigan.
August. Western Kentucky.
September.  Eastern Kentucky.
October. Kentucky and North Carolina.
November. Kentucky.

The RV remodel is finished. More or less. There are a couple items left to complete but it is what it is.
I vow not to take photos until they are done. Photos would just mess the whole thing up.

I am adjusting, sometimes through gritted teeth, to the transition.
34 feet + 3 slides = manageable. Comfortable. Doable.
34 feet  + 0 slides = smothering. Dysfunctional. Chaos. Clutter. (at times)

The girls have the bedroom and my guy and I sleep on an IKEA sofa bed in the front. I was a little worried about this decision, but it has by far been the smoothest part of moving into this RV.  Smart call. The girls love having their own room. Mama likes them having their own room. No more stuff in the living area. They have their own closet and cabinets now.

So, I’m adjusting to a different environment and though it feels like home because it’s just the way we wanted it to look, some days like today are hard on the psyche. Bad weather, non-compliant students, and more stuff I’m tripping over that must go to Goodwill.  That is when it stops raining, of course.

The weather here the last couple of weeks has been rainy, cloudy and cold. Weather.com agrees that it will stay that way for the immediate future.  If I can just make it to the end of the year when we head to a warmer climate, I’ll have it in the bag!

On a brighter and exciting note, I have two publishers who are looking at my book. I am thrilled with the possibilities. I have already started on my second book and will be working on that throughout 2011. I will know more hopefully soon.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are looking forward to your Christmas with family and friends!